Sunday, June 29, 2008

communication again

It is a source of wonder to me...the things that bothered me in Dave when we were dating & engaged STILL bother me. He has not changed all that much, and I haven't...we just have learned how to communicate our needs a little better. Just the other day, he wasn't listening to me blather on about a grill I was looking at in the local Walmart because he thought he heard a groundhog in the garden. This is not a problem if he says, "I wasn't listening to you because I thought I heard a groundhog in the garden."

It is a problem if he acts like I didn't say anything in the first place.

In the past, I've tried to ignore my hurt feelers...doesn't work, the tape in my head keeps playing reruns & it escalates from there. I've tried to let him know non-verbally that something is wrong...doesn't work, he picks up that something's wrong but generally guesses wrong, too. And it escalates from there. I've talked to him under my breath...not a communication skill at all. And it escalates from there. I've tried praying about on my end in terms of learning more about forgiveness (a whole chapter at least by itself) but that is only a good first step on how to deal with the hurt of being ignored.

I've learned to say, "did you hear me?" because maybe he didn't.
I've learned to say, "it makes me feel ignored when you don't respond to my talking to you"
I've learned to listen to what he says when I say that.
I'm learning how to handle his exaggerated "I'm listening to you" "I heard what you said" schtick for the first week after an incident.

Maybe a pillow fight would help.


Betha said...

i like the pillow fight idea.

a blog is better than no book at all, i'll recommend you to all my friends.. especially married ones.

love you.

MacyLane said...

judging from these first couple entries---if you bought a book---I'd buy it.

But for now, i think a blog is a super idea!

Beth reffered me over here, and I look forward to reading more. I'm taking notes, especially on the pillow fight idea.